You've been RoyEd!
by tinytokirabbit7
Summary: No, it's not really a royxed fic. i cannot for the life of me imagine how that started . picture MTV's Punk'd but with Roy being bored and having a little fun with his subordinates.. T for language. UPDATE: Bonus chapter up!
1. Wreaking Havoc

**Frankly, I'm bored. AND REALLY TIRED OF SEEING ROYxED PAIRINGS!! (aka RoyEd) Personally, i think ed and winry. nothing else. and royai. sorry all you YAOI fans. so anyway i thought the RoyEd could be another way of everyones favorite colonel saying you got pwned. so yeah.. also, this will mostly be based off the manga, although i might slip a couple times and use the anime so heads up all you people..**

**Let's get this over with and i hope you know this will count for later chapters as well: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist. If I did, Maes Hughes would not have died, the real Maria Ross would've killed Envy first. **

**YOU GOT ROYED!!**

I should have realized something was up when the Colonel actually came to work early. Of course my first thought was that it simply was not Roy Mustang. Then he came up to me and said, "Hey Havoc, how're you doing with your latest girlfriend, uhm what's-her-name, Rachel? If she asks, I'm busy for the entire week." I gave him a sour look. Yeah, that's Roy alright..

However, he seemed different.. really smug, more overconfident than usual. He sat at his desk and started on reading the morning paper, ignoring the undone stack of paperwork on his desk as if it were merely a potted plant. Well, he might as well enjoy it while it lasted.. soon Lt. Hawkeye would arrive and scold the hell out of him for the two feet of ignored paperwork.

I grabbed my cigarettes off of my desk and went outside for a smoke as i did every morning. Was it me or was the Colonel smirking as I left? Must be my imagination or the story..

As I went to light the end of the cigarette, I noticed it didn't catch right away. That was odd. Today was clear and sunny, no breeze, absolutely marvelous weather. I tried again. Same results. Must be defective. I threw it in the nearby bushes. I selected a new one and tried to light it. After 3 tries, it met the same fate as the previous cigarette. "Damnit what the hell is wrong with this thing?!" Within minutes, I was down to the last cigarette in the package. "Come on, light!" I grumbled. This time i tried holding the fire over the end longer. The fire, instead of making it glow brilliant orange, looked like it was.. melting it.

Tobacco didn't melt.

I sniffed it and it didn't smell like tobacco. I put it in my mouth. It tasted.. sweet? Looking into the bush i had thrown the discarded sticks, the Lieutenant's dog, Black Hayate, was contentedly licking and eating them.

I'd seen new candy cigarettes in the nearby sweetshop on my way into Central HQ. I'd left to use the restroom and left my cigarettes on the desk and when I came back, the Colonel's coat was draped over his chair.

"DAMNIT COLONEL WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!"

"HA you just got ROYED!!" he shouted from the window.

Cursing, I returned to the office. Lt Hawkeye was standing over the Colonel watching him do his paperwork, with his gloves in her hand.

**Okay, only my second story, my first one for FMA. yeah they actually sell candy cigarettes, but mostly in older candy shops. Once again, boredom, but i figured it was funny. I plan to have Ed show up and join in the pranking so yeah i am planning more chapters. I read, but dont review so I understand if I dont get many, but it helps an author feel his/her stuff has actually been read, yeah..**


	2. Roy Royed Ed!

**Yeah I know most people dont bother reading boring A/Ns unless it interrupts the story (guilty!) but this is just disclaimers and blahdy blah blah. Anyway seeing as it's summer vacation, I plan on updating as often as I can.. Enjoy! ^ ^**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA because edward has not had a growth spurt.**

**YOU GOT ROYED**

Ugh how I always dread these days.

"Brother.."

"Yeah, yeah, Al, I'm going.." I grumbled.

So much for stalling.

When we arrived at the Colonel's office, something was off. Took me a little to notice, but there was a surprisingly low amount of paperwork on his desk. Answering my look of confusion, Warrant Officer Falman answered, "The Colonel decided to have a little fun with his subordinate this morning and now thanks to Lieutenant Hawkeye's -ahem- encouragement, he's finished about three-quarters of his paperwork already."

"What'd he do to Lieutenant Hawkeye?"

"Oh no, he played a little prank on Havoc. Lt. Hawkeye assumed he was neglecting his paperwork in order to set it up and cause a scene, so she confiscated his gloves and watched him do his paperwork with a gun in her hand at the ready."

"Woah.. remind me never to piss _her_ off.. god she's almost as bad as Winry,"

"Ed!"

Just then, said Colonel and subordinate walked in.

"Have a nice lunch?"

"Yes Falman thank you. and now the Colonel is going to finish his paperwork_, aren't you_?_"_

Under Hawkeye's death glare, he frantically searched around the room for something to stall with. Too bad it had to be me.

" OH HI THERE, FULLMETAL!!"

Crap.

"Hello, Edward, Alphonse"

"Hi, Lieutenant."

"well we'll leave you to submit your report, then."

Falman and Hawkeye left the office, followed by Al.

"So what'd you do to Lieutenant Havoc, Colonel Bastard?" Ed taunted as soon as the door closed with a soft click.

"It wasn't that bad, I just switched his cigarettes with candy."

"Pfft! Amateur."

"Excuse me, Fullmetal?"

"Please. Al and I pulled pranks on each other all the time when we were kids. You call that a practical joke? Al and I-- Hell, just I-- could prank your pompous ass into next week!"

"Oh? Is that a challenge, Edward? Might I remind that I _am _your superior officer.. besides, it's not right to pick on a short kid."

"I'M NOT SHORT!! I'M STILL GROWING YOU BASTARD!!!"

"Calm down, we're in a military building. Now, I propose that we make a deal."

"For what? You want me to get you Hawkeye's number?"

"THAT IS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!!"

"Heh heh you blushed.. ooh mustang and hawkeye sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-"

"You're one to talk, you've got your mechanic's number _and_ I bet she's okay with short guys."

"QUIT CALLING ME SMALL!! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!!"

"Will you quit yelling!! Now listen, since you think you're such an expert practical joker, how about you show me how it's done?"

"Do it yourself, you lazy ass slacker!"

"Watch your language or I'll burn off your tongue!"

"Without your gloves? Bit of an empty threat, now aren't we?"

"So will you help me or not?"

"Why should I?"

"Hhmm you're right. A little short-tempered shrimp like you wouldn't know a thing about big bad practical joking.."

"DON'T CALL ME SMALL!! I KNOW LOTS ABOUT PRACTICAL JOKING, I'LL SHOW YOU!!!"

Ed stormed out, fuming, slamming the door and angrily muttering to himself.

~~~~THE NEXT DAY~~~~

"heh heh heh.. any moment now!"

"Brother, is this really necessary?"

"of course it is Al, Mustang needs to learn his lesson!"

Al sighed. He just doesn't get how much he pisses me off.

Just then, Colonel Mustang drove in. "Perfect!" I muttered to myself. As planned, he walked toward the main entrance of Central headquarters.

"And he should be stepping in gum-- now!"

Unfortunately, he'd stepped over _all_ the gum-- all 21 pieces I'd painstakingly chewed and placed strategically so that he'd have shoe full of gum with every step.

"damn! well at least there's still the door.."

"Brother, don't you think--"

"Al, shh!!"

However, that little bastard evaded this trap too. Fuery had Arrived as well and opened the door for his superior-- causing the bucket of water to topple onto his head.

Laughing, the Colonel walked in with the sopping wet, shell-shocked Fuery.

"damnit! Al, we're going inside."

Al and I managed to sneak in an follw the Colonel to his office, where he had Fuery open the door for him _again_ causing the second pail of water to douse him. Again.

GRR!!!

Inside the office, I'd used alchemy early this morning to change the makeup of his desk chair to material with about as much strength as a toothpick. Al and I waited outside the door, as I listened for the satisfying crash.

CRASH!!

Stifling a triumphant laugh, I peered into the keyhole. behind the colonel's desk was a dark blonde head, not Mustang's black one.

"Havoc, you always did say you wanted to sit in my chair.."

"THAT WAS WHEN IT LOOKED COMFORTABLE AND NOT COLLAPSABLE!!!"

AARG!! well, there was still more to come. Had to admit, colonel's a lucky bastard.

"Oh, and Fuery, could you take these finished papers to Sciezka before turning them in to Lieutenant Hawkeye for me?"

"You better not have any more buckets waiting for me, Colonel" Fuery muttered under his breath.

Shit.

Sciezka skimmed through the paperwork.

"well I don't see why the Colonel thought they needed checking, they're all in perfect working order. Hey, what's this?" she said, seperating the little post-it note from the bottom of the paperwork. "'I've always thought you were hot can I have your number?' What is the meaning of this?"

"I don't think that's from the Colonel, Sciezka.."

"Then who's it from?"

"I dunno, I just picked up the papers and brought them here.. they're supposed to go to lieutenant hawkeye for approval.."

"well if he wanted her to see it, it should've been on top... unless.. it's not from you, is it, Fuery?"

"Oh n-no, of course not!" Fuery said, blushing.

"C'mon Al, obviously that didn't work."

"Brother, I really think-"

"Quiet, Al! There's one final trick that not even _he_ could get out of!"

Back at the door to Mustang's office, Ed sat, listening.

"I can't beleive it just collapsed like that! Good thing you were able to fix it with alchemy, sir!"

"It's pretty basic alchemy, Breda."

"Right."

"Well start on your paperwork, sir."

"Yes, Lieutenant Hawkeye.."

"Would you like some coffee? I'd drink it but I already had some at home."

"Thank you, Colonel."

"It's a shame Maes couldn't come in today.. He had to take his daughter to the doctor's office. Apparently she's got a fever and a cough."

"well that's a shame--"

THUNK.

"OH COME ON!!" I shouted, exasperated. Ignoring Al's protests, I threw open the doors to mustang's office. Lt. Hawkeye was sitting with her head on her desk and a cup of coffee in her hand, completely knocked out.

"YOU BASTARD HOW THE HELL DID YOU AVOID ALL MY TRAPS?!?!?!?!"

"I figured as much from you, edward. oh and so you know, the tripwire's a pile of ashes and I'm not an idiot, i'm not going to walk into the womens' restrooms just because you switched the signs."

"Who told you?"

"Well, when your best friend works in the investigative unit, and he's already showed you every picture of his daughter he has, he's got some free time to see what a kid's planning to pull on his superior officer."

"Damnit Hughes,"

"Oh, and Ed?"

"yeah?"

"YOU'VE BEEN ROYED YA LITTLE SHORTY!!" Then that bastard ran like hell.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M KICK YOUR ASS GET BACK HERE COLONEL DAMNIT!!"

"BROTHER!!"

**yeah didnt quite go as i planned but i think it turned out okay. obviously some hinted pairings there-- royai (absolutely love that pairing), EdWin (2nd fave), and Fueryx Sciezka (hey you can see it too ;D). And in case you didn't get it, Roy was supposed to get caught by Riza Falling asleep when he shouldve been doing paperwork and Ed told Hughes that Roy really wanted to see more pictures of Elysia. I'd planned more, but this is okay and i dunno where i could stick them.. like ed putting pictures of women in his paperwork. mainly stuff to get him in trouble with riza. sorry it was so chatty.. **

**anyway hope you liked it thanks for reading even this annoying long author's note. Reviews would be nice.. T-T**


	3. Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad, Breda?

**Well, i certainly took my sweet time updating *scolds self* anyway enjoy! and thanks to the people who actually read this even though it is not actually RoyxEd ^ ^ reviews would be nice, though T-T**

**You've Been Royed!!**

Lieutenant Breda walked cheerfully into Central HQ. The day was off to a great start: he'd made fun of Havoc's latest relationship, managed to avoid Hughes wielding even MORE pictures of his daughter, had a nice conversation with Fuery over breakfast in the mess, and no mud had been splattered on him from yesterday's rain puddles on his morning commute. However, he woyuldn't even reach the office until near lunchtime.

On his way in, Falman spotted him and asked him to run some papers over to Sciezka for the Colonel. He added it to one of the enormous stacks of papers on her desk, only to be scolded that it was the pile of documents she had already restored from the incinerated first branch of Central Library. Irritated, she sent the lieutenant on an errand to deliver some reports to Hughes. Sighing, Breda attempted to just ditch the papers and run before Hughes had a chance to pull out any photographs. Unfortunately, the doting parent already had his desk covered in them and had just hung up on a call. Thus, whilst Maes chattered on and on, Breda tried to quickly think of an excuse to leave. Luckily, Hughes' long-winded story about how his daughter had done something-or-other, the phone rang, giving Breda a chance to escape. A quick glance at the clock told him it was a half hour until lunchtime. Lt. Hawkeye was going shoot him into swiss cheese. He sprinted down the halls to the Colonel's office.

He burst through the door, panting.

"I'm.. here!.. sorry I--"

He froze.

Mustang's entire office was filled with stray dogs.

Breda screamed and promptly jumped on top of the nearest desk.

"W-w-w-what the hell?! Who brought in all these little beasts? THEY'LL KILL US ALL!!" He panicked.

"Calm down, Breda-"

"We can always give them to the cook in the mess-"

"AAH, HAVOC!! I'm sorry, they were in a box, just shivering in the rain, and then i just kept coming across others just like them, and then the Colonel finally said this morning that I could keep them in the office for a day, so I-"

"woah,woah, woah WHAT?! the _COLONEL_ let you keep them?!?! DAMN YOU ROY!!" Breda cut off his fellow subordinates, exasperated.

"YOU'VE BEEN ROYED, BREDA!!" Colonel Mustang shouted gleefully over the barking of the dogs trying to get Breda to pet them.

**Hhmm.. not one of my favorites. wording's a little weird, I feel bored reading it so narratively, but whatever the next ones will be better, i have something planned.. *heh heh heh..* anyway i plan to have a great finish this fanfic, which will be in two chapters. Next is Falman!! xD thanks for readin!!**

**reviews!! might make the next chapter suck less!! :D it's great motivation :))**


	4. Falman's Downfall

**Yay for sudden strokes of inspiration!! :D This chapter is SONGFIC. JUST THIS ONE. I don't plan on making the others songfic so if you hate songfics, just skip this chapter. although i think its absolutely hilarious ;D The song I used was _Popular from Wicked._ The musical. I suggest you look it up on youtube or veoh or something before reading this so you get it if you've never heard the song before. Also, I had to change the words. You'll see why and now i'll shut up so you can read ^ ^**

**However much I wish I did, I don't own**

**1) Full Metal Alchemist**

**2) Wicked or any songs from the musical**

**3) My own country (damn you politicians!! XO)**

**On with the story! **

**You've Been Royed!!**

"Warrant Officer Falman, may I have a private word with you?"

"Um, yes sir, of course."

Confused, Falman took the seat in front of the Colonel's desk, facing him. Mustang himself was sitting with a very serious expression on his face, with his chin resting on his folded hands.

"Am I correct in saying that tonight is saturday night?"

"Erm, yes sir,"

"Is it also true that you do not have any plans for tonight?"

"Well, yes--"

"THAT IS DISGRACEFUL, FALMAN!!"

"Whaaa?!" Falman said, nearly falling out of his chair.

"You need help, soldier."

"I don't quite understand your meaning, Colonel--"

"Well, since you're my subordinate, I'll help you."

"Er, you really don't need to do that for me, sir--"

"Of course I do!" Roy put his hands down and began to sing with a sympathetic expression.

"_Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I,_

_and let's face it: who isn't? less fortunate than I,_

_My tender heart tends to start to bleed-"_

That's.. a little dramatic.. thought Falman.

_"And when someone needs a makeover,_

_I simply have to take over!_

_I know, I know. Exactly what they need"_

Falman was almost afraid to ask.

_"And even in your case,_

_Which is the toughest case I've yet to face;_

_Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed,"_

Roy heaved an enormous bag onto his desk.

Uh-oh, thought Falman.

"_Follow my lead,_

_And yes, indeed._

_You. Will. Be. _

_Popular."_

What?

_"You're gonna be popular._

_I'll teach you the words you say_

_to make girls go your way"_

"What?!" Falman actually spoke aloud

_"Little ways to spin her 'round"_

"Huh?"

_"I'll show you what shoes to wear,"_

Roy pulled out several pairs of shoes

_"How to fix your hair,"_

Roy began messing with Falman's hair

_"Everything that really counts to be popular."_

Falman was speechless.

"_I'll help you be popular._

_You'll hang with the right cohorts,_

_You'll be good at sports,_

_Know the slang you've got to know,"_

"Well I guess I could use help with that.."

_"So let's start, 'cause you've got an awfully long way to go."_

Falman relaxed in the chair while Roy began styling his hair.

_"Don't be offended by my frank analysis,_

_Think of it as personality dialysis"_

"Well, okay, if you say so sir.."

"_Now that i've chosen to become a pal, a brother, and advisor,_

_There's nobody wiser,_

_Not when it comes to _

_Popular._

_I know about poular._

_And with an assist from me to be who you'll be,_

_Instead of dreary who you were-- are."_

"Hey!"

_"There's nothing that can stop you_

_from becoming populer.. -lar."_

Roy stopped blow-drying and began to prance happily around the room

_"Laa Laaaa, La Laaaa!"_

Is he drunk?!

"_We're gonna make you_

_Pop- u- lar!"_

Roy giggled.

Yep he's drunk..

Roy then started pulling out numerous outfits from another bag.

"_When I see depressing creatures_

_with unprepossessing features,_

_I remind them on their own behalf_

_To think of _

_Celebrated heads of state, especially great communicators,_

_Did they have brains or knowledge?_

_Don't make laugh" _

"Sir!"

Roy giggled again.

"_They were POPULAR._

_Please, it's all about popular._

_It's not about attitude, _

_It's the way you're viewed._

_So it's very shrewd to be_

_very very popular, like me."_

"Oh, I get it!"

"Why, Officer Falman.. you're better than I'd hoped!"

"Well, you really didn't have to do this sir, but I gotta go.. Goodbye! and thanks!" Falman left.

"You're welcome. Go get 'em!"

Roy sat tiredly on the couch in his office and breathed a sigh of exhaustion.

"_And though you protest_

_your disinterest_

_I know candestantly (A/N spelling?)_

_YOU'RE GONNA GRIN AND BEAR IT_

_YOUR NEWFOUND POPULARITY!!"_

As he began to clean up his mess, he began prancing around the room again

_"Laa laaaa, la laaaa!_

_You'll be popular!_

_Just not quite as popular_

_As_

_ME!!!!!"_

Roy carried all his stuff out to his car, skipping merrily along the way.

~~~ The Next Day O.O~~~

Lt. Hawkeye walked in to find things mostly normal in the office: Breda teasing Havoc about his latest girlfriend; Fuery tinkering with some broken machine. The only difference was Falman's head lying on his desk. At least she thought it was Falman. The color was the same, only it was cut and fluffed into a fashionable hairstyle.

"So how was everyone's weekend?"

"OOH LIEUTENANT!! I had the most _unbelieveable_ date saturday night--"

"Yeah, it's unbelieveable because you dreamt it!"

"Shut up Breda! Anyway, her name's Melissa, and she's sooo sweet! Not to mention cute! And we went to this new restaurant in town-"

"And then she saw Roy Mustang and dumped you,"

"SHUT UP BREDA!! Mustang wasn't even there! And there's NO WAY that Melissa would cheat on ME!!"

"So, Fuery, how was your weekend?" Hawkeye asked over the two quibblers.

"Oh, it was great, thanks for asking. I went over to Sciezka's to get an old manual I needed to fix something and somehow we ended up having lunch together. It was nice." Fuery smiled.

"OOOH, FUERY AND SCIEZKA SITTING IN A TREE--"

"Oh, grow up Breda." came a voice from behind him.

Jumping, Breda whirled to face his superior.

"Good Morning. How was your weekend, sir?"

"Oh, the usual, Hawkeye. Had a few dates, this one girl, Melissa was so cute--"

There was a thud as Havoc's head fell to his desk and tears started pooling around it as well as cursing and words such as "Mustang" and "can't catch a break".

"And anyway, how was _your _weekend, Falman?" Roy gave him an expectant look.

Falman picked up his head enough to talk. "Terrible."

"What happened?"

"Some men sent me to a gay bar."

"Ooh, tough break."

"That's not all, Havoc. Then I heard music and walked into a private women's dance rehearsal. And after they kicked me out I ended up breaking a window in a women's book club so I had to pay for that, some of the girls laughed but the older women shooed me out so i just went back to the dorms. But the gate was locked. So I tried climbing over the fence, got caught, they didn't believe my ID because of my makeover, so I had to spend half an hour convincing the guards that I'm military personnel before I could go to bed."

The entire room was speechless.

"Who gave you the makeover? It looks good." Hawkeye said, trying to cheer him up.

"The Colonel. He was trying to make me popular."

"I had no idea they would lock you out, though." Mustang responded in an amused tone.

"Sir.." Hawkeye had gotten suspicious.

"YOU'VE BEEN ROYED, FALMAN!!!"

Roy sprinted down the hall as fast as he could possibly go.

As Falman began to get a pool on top of his desk like Havoc's, the only sound anyone made in the speechless silence was Lt. Hawkeye clicking back the safety on her gun and leaning out the door, then the sound of her attempting to shoot the Colonel into swiss cheese.

**Phew that was a long chapter! sorry fo the update wait, I wanted to type the whole thing out and post it in the same sitting. Well I hope you enjoyed it! and thanks to ditte-chan for reviewing, andto you other person who i cannot for the life of me remember your pen name, the first one to add this fanfic to their faves (sorry about the name thing)! I've looked at my story traffic and WOAH is there a spike in readers, so THANKS!! ^ ^ although in all you readers, only ditte-chan has reviewed? Please at least one other person review!! Every little bit helps! Next is FUERY. Thanks for reading!**


	5. Fueryous

**Hey all you readers! This chapter is not songfic, so please bother reading it if you are a hater of songfics (personally i love them, but others seem to think they need to die painfully O_o') Anyway, it's Fuery's turn XD!!! Hope you all enjoy it ^ ^**

**Still no progress on getting ownership of FMA.. or my own country :(**

**You've Been Royed!!!**

Everything seemed normal in the office that day. Fuery had been constantly on guard entering Central Headquarters; so far four of his fellow subordinates had been viciously pranked on by their superior officer, Roy Mustang. However, a month had past since the Colonel's last prank on poor Falman. He even paid off some random guys to send him to a gay bar! So now Kain Fuery was prepared for the worst.

"Good Morning, Fuery."

"Hey Lt. Hawkeye, has the Colonel arrived yet?"

"No, he's late again. And he'd better hurry up or the paperwork will just keep multiplying."

Kain let out a sigh of relief. Safe.

Suddenly, Havoc burst through the door, completely out of breath.

"FUERY!!"

"What is it, Havoc?"

"The Furher-- he's developed a SEVERE allergy to dogs!!! He says anyone who brings in any dog will immediately get kicked out of the military and the dog will go to the kitchens!!"

"AH, THAT'S TERRIBLE! gosh, is it really going to be that strict? Most days he never even leaves his office!"

"Oh yes, anyone with even ONE dog hair on their uniforms will be SUSPENDED!!"

Quickly, Fuery rolled some tape around his hand and attempted to remove all of the dog hair on his uniform from when he'd dog-sat for Lt. Hawkeye, who always kept her uniform in pristine condition.

Just as suddenly as Havoc, Falman burst through the door, bowling over him.

"Sergeant Fuery!!"

"Yes I already know about the dog rule, Falman!!"

"That's not it! I read in today's newspaper that dog sales are at an all-time high! People are really buying them for their versatility!!"

"That's wonderful, Falman!! You know, out of all the pets you can choose really a dog--"

"No, that's not what I meant! Coats made of dog fur are the latest fad! and doctors theorize that chemicals in certain organs of their bodies can be used effectively in treatment of major diseases! AND in these times of need, dog recipes are cropping up EVERYWHERE!!"

Fuery nearly fainted. "I'LL SAVE EVERY STRAY I SEE ON THE STREET!!"

Just then, the Colonel happened to walk in.

"Good morning."

"Sir, you're late again."

"Well you see Hawkeye, I was--"

"Just get to work, sir." Riza turned back to her own paperwork.

"Yes ma'am.." Ruefully, Roy did the same.

The rest of the morning passed smoothly. While Fuery was repairing the telephone Roy had broken after a call from Hughes, his thoughts were entirely focused on how best to save as many dogs as he could. He thought about getting his own place and hiding them in the cellar, but dogs need open space to be happy. he thought about a charity, but that could take ages. Smuggling them in a Xingese caravan would be too hot the poor things in the desert heat. And so on he thought until lunchtime.

Lunchtime came, and instead of the usual hamburg steak, there were what seemed to be sasauges in long rolls.

"Hey, have you seen what they're serving for lunch today?"

"What do you care Breda? You always eat what they serve, even on mystery meat day!"

"I believe I was asking Falman, Havoc!"

"Well it seems fine to eat to me. People have been eating ground meat for ages, at least back until--"

"This is a new thing, Breda! And it's my favorite!"

"What is it, Havoc?"

By then, every one at the office was seated at the table with their food. Nobody had taken a bite yet, not quite sure what the food was made of and waiting for Havoc's response.

"HOT DOGS!!"

Fuery fainted for real.

When he awoke, Breda and Falman had lifted him into two chairs so he was more or less lounging. Lt. Hawkeye looked at him in concern, and Havoc and Roy watched on while trying not to laugh.

"Hey Fuery, how do you feel?"

"I think I'm fine, sir."

"Well, that's good. 'CAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ROYED!!!"

Once again, Roy Mustang ran for dear life.

Also once again, he was being chased by an armed and angry subordinate.

**Well, I think I like this one. Poor Fuery.. and just fyi: the furher did not actually get an allergy to dogs. I forget which chapter it is in the manga or which episode in the anime, but if you don't already know what the furher is then let's just say it's pretty near impossible for him to have an allergy. **

**As a few of you have most likely already guessed, the Colonel's precious 1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye is last. **

**Roy: What do you mean, 'precious'?!wait, what's gonna happen to her?  
hey! get out of my author's notes! *whacks with tightly rolled-up newspaper***

**Anyway, thank you ditte-chan, Ashheart1, kame-the-turtle, and KitaKaze for reviewing and/or adding this story to their favorites or story alerts. and also to all you other readers who read this! thank god for story traffic, or i'd be too depressed to write..**


	6. Riza 'Nuff said

**Hey, sorry for the long wait for an update.. it's summer, been out and about and junk. anyways, this it! the one royai fans have probably been waiting for and mentally cursing me to post sooner: RIZA HAWKEYE!!! enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: STILL no progress on getting ownership of FMA. or my own country. :(**

**You've Been Royed!!!**

Personally, I wasn't worried. Anyone who knows me knows that if you mess with the bull you get the horns. But if they mess with me, they get the bullets. So frankly, I thought the Colonel had a little more sense of self-preservation than that. Obviously I would never shoot him to kill him; I almost never aim to kill. However, he ought to know by now that my aim never misses by accident. Idiotic man..

~~~FLASHBACK~~~

That morning before, the day started out without incident, thankfully. Lately Mustang had decided that mentally tormenting his subordinates induvidually on select days was a better way to spend his time than completing the ever present stack of paperwork on his desk. So far, he'd gotten everyone: Havoc, Breda, Falman, Fuery, and even Fullmetal as well. It's been a few weeks since his last sadistic act of boredom on poor Fuery, but I'm confident that he wouldn't dare try anything on me. Contrary to the warnings of my fellow subordinates, I made no additional precautions to protect myself than the usual I brought everywhere and to the office.

Colonel Roy Mustang walked in late as usual. He glanced around the room, then sat behind his desk to read the paper as always to procrastinate.

"Sir.."

"I'll get to it Hawkeye."

"No you won't. Now put down the newspaper and start on your paperwork. It only adds to your workload the longer you put it off."

"Ugh, fine.."

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"What?"

Immediately I stood over him with my gun to his head. A large drop of sweat appeared on his head.

"Who are you and what have you done with the Colonel?" I said in my deadliest tone.

"N-Nothing! It's me, Lieutenant!! Please put the gun away.." -.-

"Liar! Roy Mustang NEVER gives in and starts his paperwork after the first warning!" Fuery Piped up with the determined look on his face.

"Yeah, he never does anything until about an hour before lunch!" Breda added, looking suspiciously at Mustang.

"No guys, I swear! It's me!"

"Prove it." Falman challenged.

"I gave you a makeover."

"Everyone heard about that." Havoc countered.

"Havoc will never find a wife no matter how hard Hughes tries."

"Everyone thinks that, too!" Havoc tried not to collapse in tears or explode in rage.

"Quit interrogating me or I'll torch you!"

I lowered my gun. "Please get to work, sir."

Oddly, Roy managed to finish all of his paperwork for the day by the end of it. He'd only gotten three calls from Maes that day and one call from a date. As everyone headed home, I couldn't help but notice Roy had an air of.. mischief: almost devious. In response to my quizzical stare, he merely replied, "see you tomorrow, Riza."

The next day was worse.

Firstly, I had been told my meeting was canceled. No break from the childish men I had to babysit..

Second, I couldn't even go to the shooting range because there had been a fire last night and it was under repairs. There goes my other escape.

Third, apparently the arsonist also decided to have some fun in the street, so I would need to take a detour which of course had to lead right past the Colonel's apartment. Temptation just to shoot at his window to ensure he at least woke up on time unfortunately would cause a scene, especially early in the morning.

Last and most horrible of all, SOMEBODY had replaced all of my uniform slacks with idiotic degrading miniskirts. I even went so far as to check the hamper and trying to find the pair I'd worn yesterday. Sighing, I had to go to work in the obscene garment.

When I arrived, it seemed nobody could believe it. Men tried not to stare, women looked confused. When I'd arrived in the office, thankfully it was empty. I walked as fast as I possibly could to get everyone's paperwork then sprinted back before anyone could notice me. By the time everyone had arrived but the Colonel (late as usual), they got their work off my desk as I worked. 20 minutes late, Mustang walked in.

"Lieutenant, could you please bring me my paperwork?"

"You've got working legs, sir. Please come get it yourself."

"But I'm tired. I had to walk here because my car broke down. And my shoe's untied. And, um, there's--"

Damn. "Alright, fine."

As soon as I got up, of course everyone saw my miniskirt.

(A/N: everyone but Roy and Riza: O_O)

"Happy, _sir?"_ I said through clenched teeth.

"Quite. Thanks, Lieutenant." He smirked.

I went back to my desk and began working again. Nobody dared say anything. Only Mustang had the nerve. And the key to my apartment I'd given him for emergencies.

"Well, I see _you've_ got working legs as well, Miss Hawkeye." He was grinning.

"You get ten seconds. I started counting five seconds ago."

"Oh, I think I can make it."

I reached for my gun, and pulled the trigger, aiming for the wall right next to his ear.

BANG!

Nothing came out

except

a small white flag.

it read:

YOU'VE BEEN ROYED!!

"Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang.." (A/N insert deadly tone)

I opened the special drawer in my desk and unlocked the back compartment of it.

Roy's smile slid off his face as he realized..

I began digging my drawer for ammunition.

He slowly rose up out of his chair and backed away from his desk. "Better run, Colonel," Havoc whispered.

I clicked back the safety. Roy's military uniform coattails had just disappeared from outside the door.

"GET BACK HERE COLONEL!!!!"

End :)

**Ending came out awesome xD Anyway, yep, that's all of Mustang's subordinates! Lol I kinda wanna go back and just read the whole thing fron the start.. **

**I want to give an ENORMOUS, GIGANTIC, UNIVERSE-SIZED THANK YOU to zukosfirstgirlfriend, the very FIRST person to add this story to their story alerts! sorry for never getting the name right -.-' the first true-blue fan!**

**Next, to everyone else who's ever reviewed/added this story to whatever: THANKS!!  
Big thanks to ramenwriter15 for taking time out of her busy fanfiction-ing to actually write a review for every chapter!**

**One last word: Be on the lookout for a bonus chapter. I don't know if I'll do it or not, but if I do you'll all know.**

**Thank you all you readers!**

**~ tinytokirabbit7 ^ ^**


	7. YAY SUPER AWESOME BONUS CHAPTER!

**w00t!! BONUS CHAPTER!! god, it's loooooooong!! and it took long to write too ToT! i know one of you reviewers has already guessed or suggested this to me, so i'll list your name at the end. as for others of you who may've guessed: if you'd have put it in a review, you would've gotten credit. sorry! anyway on with the bonus chapter XD**

**Damnit still FMA and country ownership-less..**

**_SUPER AWESOME EXTRA BONUS YOU'VE BEEN ROYED!!! CHAPTER XD_**

Fuery was walking calmly down the hall heading to lunch when he was grabbed and quickly dragged into the nearest broom closet. It was pitch dark inside. Once his kidnapper had removed his hand from his mouth, someone had flipped on the light switch.

Havoc, Breda, Falman, Riza, and Ed were squished in the closet as well. Breda had been the one to grab him.

"You okay, Kain?"

"Yeah. What's going on Jean?"

"Well, we think that prank-happy bastard deserves a taste of his own medicine."

"Jeez, don't grin so evilly Fullmetal.."

"Anyway, the reason we're all here is to start planning a little payback for the Colonel."

"Couldn't we have found a bigger meeting place?"

"The walls have ears, Fuery. Hughes pops up so unexpectedly around here with all his godforsaken pictures, and Roy's got ex-girlfriends still loyal to him all over central. This was the best place we could come up with."

"What about someone elses's place?"

"Al and I are in a hotel-- Mustang's probably got the maids listening at our door."

"Breda won't set foot in my apartment for fear of my dog."

"And the rest of us are in the dorms."

"Oh."

"Well now we've got to focus. I believe the First Lieutenant might have more ideas as to the Colonel's weaknesses seeing as she's known him longer."

"Yeah, please, elighten us, Riza"

"Well first, the Colonel really hates--"

By the time lunch was over, the plan was set.

~~~~~The next day~~~~~

Phase 1: Splashdown

Roy Mustang strolled casually into work,late as usual. Everyone else was already working at a calm and steady pace.

Roy closed the door, when he realized it was very quiet. Too quiet.

Before he could register what was happening, he suddenly found himself surrounded by his subordinates.

"Fire!" Riza commanded. And then everyone pulled out water pistols and began shooting ferociously at their superior.

"What the hell guys?! What the hell?!!"

The Colonel was completely soaked from head to toe. After glaring at them all he left to see if he had an extra uniform in his car.

"YES!!"

"Good job, everyone!"

"Did you see his face when we started shooting?"

"Priceless!!"

They all gave each other high fives.

Meanwhile, Roy was walking back from his car when someone called his name from across the street.

It was Edward, sitting on a bench near the fountain. Unusually, his brother was not in sight.

"Hiya, Fullmetal Shrimp."

"WE'LL JUST SEE WHO'S THE SHRIMP SO SMALL YOU CAN'T SEE HIM FLOATING IN THE WATER WITH ALL THE LITTLE GRAINS OF SAND!!"

He clapped and pressed his hands to the ground.

All of the water in the fountain suddenly rose up..

"OH SHI--"

and, like a tidal wave tsunami, crashed down on the Colonel, drenching him for the second time.

And so, having found no spare uniform in his car and fullmetal having disappeared once he got up, he sloshed back into headquarters, leaving a trail of water drips.

Upon his arrival back into his office, he found Fullmetal sitting behind his desk, playing with his gloves.

"PUT THOSE DOWN!!"

"Or what? gonna roast me without them? even if you had a spare pair in your pocket, they'd be soaked after that freak tidal wave. you must've seen it too, real advanced alchemy i'd say, must've been an awesome alchemist--"

"Nah, just a little shorty playing the water."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING TOO SHORT TO USE ALCHEMY?!?!?!"

With that, Ed put on one of Roy's gloves and made a campfire with it in a large saucepan full of wood. He grabbed one of the long sticks and speared a marshmallow on it.

"Just what the hell are you doing Fullmetal?"

He put it over the fire. "Roasting marshmallows, you want one? Or we've got dumplings."

"Hey I'll take one of those dumplings!"

"Me too!"

"I want a marshmallow!"

Pretty soon, everyone but Roy was crouched next to the fire roasting a dumpling or marshmallow over it. Steam was practically rising off the top of his head. And he was still dripping wet because he had refused to try to warm up next to the fire.

"Hey Colonel, I found someone who was willing to loan you their uniform..."

"Excellent!" Riza handed him a pile of clothing. Roy went off to change in the bathroom.

BANG.

Roy's expression was beyond rage.

He was standing in front of them in a miniskirt.

The roasting party was trying very hard not to laugh, and it showed on their faces.

Just then the Furher happened to walk by.

"..."

"uh, I can explain, sir--"

The Furher walked away considerably faster.

At this point, nobody could contain their laughter anymore. They literally rolled on the ground laughing.

Roy looked like he was going to faint.

"Hey, I know what'll cheer you up, sir! A nice date tonight!"

"But Havoc, I didn't book one for tonight.."

"We know. So Falman and I took the liberty of setting you up on a BLIND DATE!!"

"Er.. I'm really not much in the mood--"

"Nonsense, we've put you through enough hell sir!"

"Go enjoy yourself!"

"Yeah!"

"Oh alright, I'll do it."

"YES!!" Havoc slapped five with Breda, Fuery, and Falman.

Once Roy had mercifully been given some pants, Ed and Al cleaned up the roasting party and left to catch their train.

~~~~~that night~~~~~

Phase 2: Breakdown

"So.. Is she pretty?"

"Beautiful, sir, a real cutie!"

"Rich, too."

"Yeah, loaded!"

"Hmm.."

Falman and Havoc dropped him off at the restaurant. He got a table for two in nice private little corner near the back lit by a single candle and adorned with a large rose blossom on the table.

Finally, his date had arrived. She was pretty like Havoc said, with long blonde hair and large green eyes. She was wearing an elegant yet simple pink dress.

"How do you do? I'm Roy Mustang."

"H-hello. I'm Catherine L. Armstrong."

He kissed her hand and she blushed then they sat down.

"Armstrong, huh? Any relation to Major Alex Louis Armstrong?"

"Oh yes, he's my brother. A-Aren't you also in the military?"

"Yep, Lt. Colonel Roy Mustang."

"Wow, a Colonel.."

Just then, another couple sat at the table nearest them, behind Catherine. With a shock, he realized that it was his own first lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. With an even bigger shock, he realized she was there with noneother than the second Lieutenant, Jean Havoc. Havoc, facing him, grinned and winked. Riza too turned around and gave him a curt nod. Catherine didn't notice anything.

The rest of the date went by smoothly, Roy and Catherine exchanging polite conversation, but nothing more. He talked about the military and she asked questions. However, Roy just couldn't stay focused on his date. his attention always seemed to wander, as if by a magnetic force, to the next-door table. He watched Havoc make jokes and Riza laughing. They made a toast to the military. He saw the pair discuss thier views on current events, the weather, even (Roy stiffened at the idea) marriage and long-term relationships.

Before they knew it, both tables had paid the check (both men paying of course, though Riza had argued.) and headed out. Catherine and Roy left first, as the maitre-d had informed her that her chauffer had arrived to take her home. Outside, Roy courteously asked her how she enjoyed their date.

"Oh, I had a wonderful time, thank you Colonel"

"So, would you like to do this again sometime?"

Catherine blushed and seemed to be thinking of how best to word her answer.

"Uhm, well, You're a very nice, and charming as well.."

_yeaah.. aaaand..? _thought Roy.

"Well, I'd like to go out with you again--"

"Wonderful! I'll pick you up at--"

"But I prefer men with a more muscular physique, like my brother. It's nothing personal, you're just not good-looking. Goodbye, Colonel Mustang."

Roy was stunned. his mouth was still hanging open as her car sped away toward the Armstrong manor.

"Woah.. pass me a camera, Riza, I believe this is a first: Roy Mustang is stunned speechless!"

Havoc proceeded to lean in front of Mustang and snap a picture.

"Perfect! That's a keeper!"

They both chuckled.

"Sir, please snap out of it. You'll catch bugs if you keep your mouth open like that."

"-ahem- You're right Lieutenant, I'm--"

Roy stared.

"What?"

"Y-you're wearing.. A MINISKIRT?!?!?!?!"

"Yes, it's actually not so bad once you getused to it.."

"You should know, Colonel"

Riza and havoc laughed.

"I'm going home."

With that, Roy left them still chortling on the curb. He stomped down the street.

"Ha, what a child! Look at him stomping home.."

"Alright Falman, phase 2.5 ready?"

"All set!" came the reply from the military radio Riza took from her purse.

Roy walked up to the door of his apartment and bent down to get the key from under his doormat. There was nothing there. He quickly lifted up the entire mat and checked. Nothing but cement. He checked the nearby shrubs and hedges. Just dirt. He walked to the curb to see if he'd dropped it on the way to put the garbage out. A car drove by and splashed him with water from a puddle. Dripping wet, he tried his pockets, desperately hoping he'd actually put them there like a sensible person. All he found was his gloves, pocketwatch, and wallet. That gave him an idea. Was he a State Alchemist? Yes. Was he admired as a great one one of the best? Yes. Was he going to be prevented from entering his own home just because he lost his key? Of course not. So With that, Roy Mustang serched for some chalk. Luckily, some children had left their sidewalk chalk on a doorstep. He hadn't performed non-flame alchemy in ages. He hoped he still remembered how to do normal alchemy. After about half an hour, he finally managed to open his door and get into his apartment. Although he had to buy a new doorknob to replace the mangled remains of his old one. He swore as he entered his apartment, then took a shower to calm down and collapsed gratefully and wearily onto his bed.

~~~~~The next day (again)~~~~~

Roy Mustangs' office was full of laughter.

"Oh my god, did you see his face when we showed up?"

"No! Even better was when Catherine rejected him!"

"And it's on film!"

"We should've gotten his alchemy attempts to get in his apartment on tape!"

"Nice driving, Falman, that was brilliant splashing him on the way back!"

"No, it really just improvising! by the way, we still have his key.."

"Ah, we can put it back later!"

"And when the furher walked by--"

"We were just right timing his usual coffee break!"

"Good idea using his own brand of alchemy for a campfire! Man, was he pissed!"

"Hell, those were good dumplings, were'd you get them Al?"

"We just pranked that bastard and all you're thinking about is _food?!"_

"Well good work everyone!"

"I'll say."

Everyone jumped. Lt. Colonel Roy Mustang looked like was going to pop a head vein.

"Er, um, good morning, sir!"

He said nothing, just slowly and deliberately put his hand into his pocket.

Everyone quickly scrambed to their feet.

They glimpsed the edge of alchemic circle.

They all crowded the exit.

He raised his arm.

They were all sprinting down the hall...

Schiezka was walking along with a stack of papers in her hand to deliver to Colonel Hughes when Breda, Havoc, and Falman rushed past her in a frenzy. Then, a jet of flame shot out the doors of Mustangs office.

"Colonel Hughes sir, please stop calling Colonel Mustang first thing in the morning.."

"Honestly Schiezka, I haven't done anything to him yet!"

Meanwhile, the Colonel was trying to calm down enough to plan his revenge. For the rest of the day he continued to have an angry expression on his face and nobody dared look up from their work. For once, the entire room was silent the entire day apart from shuffling of papers.

Phase Three: Revenge

The next morning, Havoc, Breda, Falman, Fuery, Hawkeye, and Ed all had bucket of water topple onto their heads as they walked into headquaters.

"YOU'VE BEEN ROYED!!!"

Shortly therafter, Roy was seen running down the corridors with an angry mob at his heels. Riza lead the way with her gun; Ed not far after her, clapping his hands together and yelling swearwords as he went; Al following his brother and shouting reproachingly; Havoc complaining about his hair and decreased chances of getting a girlfriend; Breda yelling how his head hurt; Fuery trying to keep up and persuade the pursuers to stop; Falman bringing up the rear shouting how they were going to be in so much trouble for disturbing the peace.

Like there ever is in Roy Mustang's office.

**END :)**

**Well, that's it! I think this is the longest chapter in it! O.O Anyway, first off I'd like to thank the reviewers/favorites/alerts, starting with the reviewer who suggested the idea of a mass prank first: KAME-THE-TURTLE!! YAAY!! and all you other faithful fans/readers:**

**zukosfirstgirlfriend, KitaKaze, ditte-chan, Ashheart1, Almighty-Hanako-chan, little miss clueless, ramenwriter15, kame-the turtle (again) and Linn Lovedragon!! Thanks sooo much!**

**Anyway, I have a TON of fanfic-y stuff to do, including a collection of songfics for fma i'm working on and have to start. Open to suggestions! and also my other fic, Magical Hogwarts Randomness. Well, I've rambled on enough, so thanks for reading, please review, for this is the final chapter and really, it shows lots of appreciation! **

**Bye! ^ ^**

**~tinytokirabbit7 3**


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